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tomboyishgirl
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Name: Kanashimi
Birthday: 1/14/1990
Interests:
--being with friends and family
--having fun
--music (playing piano, singing, dancing)
--sparring/training
--running and figure skating (sports)
--XC IS LIFE!!
--Chinese dancing
--DDR and PS2
--Writing
--Philosophy, Sociology, Psychology...all that good stuff
--Angels and Anime
Expertise:
--speaking Cantonese and English
--training
--figure skating
--running
--Chinese dancing
--DDR
-- band!! =D
--piano/music
--being me
-- smiling
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/27/2002
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| ...Is it bad that I've been crying everyday at least twice? ...I feel like senior year of high school all over again. XD And I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight for this. I'm too unstable for my own good and my heart hurts so much. I ask God everyday to take away all this pain...and He's watching me. I don't know what He wants me to do or to learn. ...actually, I have a slight idea...but I don't know if I want to be patient. Actually, I know I don't want to be patient, but I know I have to be. Worse part? I thought I was getting better, but of course once that happens, I'm pushed back further than where I was. I have to work all over again. Worse part? ...I really am all alone. Worse part? ...I really think I'm forgotten. =) ...I honestly feel forgotten. God, please...just take away this pain. I almost want to die because of all this. I don't know what's worse. Self-manipulation or self-inflicted emotional pain. What's worse...everyone around me thinks I'm fine and all smiles, they think I'm getting better. Reality? ...I'm actually really really...really really broken inside. ...And there's no one to help me put it back together. I never let go of the habit of keeping everything inside and closing myself to others. Worse part? ...this is going to be one long recovery...if I ever get there.
I have no where to go, no one to turn to. ...I don't have anyone to care for and don't have anyone to care for me. But I don't want pity...I just want to get through this and move on with my life. I hate being upset, I hate drama. Life is too short to be crying. I've always tried to avoid drama...and I thought I did a really good job at it...until now.
I want to point the finger at something...but I can't help but think, "...maybe I did this to myself...maybe I allowed myself to get myself into this..." And if that's the case...fcuk me. I absolutely hate drama... ...I want someone to talk to...
That's wrong...
I know who I want to talk to... ....but at the same time, I don't want to... I feel unimportant, replaced, ignored, forgotten....
And maybe in the end...I want to know I'm not by those people and by that one person... ...but I'm being stupid because I have to deal with it...because I know they're all better off and happier without me.
fcuk me...why can't I just be unselfish in this? ....why am I being so selfish and stupid and...just everything. I hate this...I hate myself...God damnit... | | |
| I know no one reads xanga nowadays...or very few people do. XD I am in the "very few people" category, aren't I special? =)
I thought maybe Sophomore year would be better than freshman year, and honestly...academics wise, it's better.
Emotionally, physically, spiritually? It's debatable.
Emotionally - I can say I feel your pain when you feel like your friends no longer want you around. I can say I know how to feels to not be wanted by people you call "friends." I can also say I know how to feels to be used, abused, and disposed of by your best friend. I feel like I'm going back to square one or two from senior year of HS. My trust is the opposite gender is completely shot (with a couple of rare exceptions). You want to know how shot it is? The chance of me trusting in my significant other has gone from "maybe...almost there..." to "...this isn't worth my time anymore." And because of that...we've been having arguments nonstop everyday. Is it going to work out? At first I thought I'd give it a shot because I thought there might be a chance, but in my heart now? ...I really don't think I'll ever be able to settle down. I really really don't ever want a relationship anymore. I am paranoid to no end and I'm incredibly grateful he understands right now. But at the same time...I can't help myself from hurting him as this whole incident plays out. And the worse part? I'm slightly okay with it because I just don't give a damn fcuk anymore. In the back of mind, I believe I'm going to let him get too close to me, have him grab my heart when I'm not looking, and watch him rip it into a million pieces as he throws them up in the air in front of my face. I thought I was recovering, and I am...but I am not even close to where I thought I was before. I thought I wouldn't want to cry anymore because of this...but I do anyway.
Physically - I live off campus now, so food is scarce. I barely eat and I thank God I have a job at the campus cafe. I know I'll have food at least twice a week. I'm still active, but not as much as before. But since this whole ordeal, I just don't eat anymore. I can't eat anymore, I have no desire to fill my stomach because there is no hunger to satisfy. I'll hear it rumble, but I won't feel anything. I just want to be able to go through one day at a time without feeling like I'm dying.
Spiritually - I think it's all in God's plan that I started attending church again this past Sunday as all this drama occurs in my life. I hate drama, but I really have no other word for it. I didn't ask for it, I keep thinking in the back of my head somehow I did this to myself, that I was too stupid to see beyond the what was in front of me. Somehow I fcuked up because I'm naive to the point where if you told me to jump off the cliff because it would cause happiness, I would. Someone told me, "Beka, you're too trusting, you're too nice. That's why these things happen to you." BULLSHT! No such thing in my world...I'm just too stupid, too dumb, and because of my stupidity, I cause myself to get hurt...because I'm not intelligent to realize I am hurting myself. But maybe it's all in God's plan for me to hit the bottom so hard again so He can kindly and gently remind me that He has been always here. And He'll pick me up, hold my hand, and tell me that no matter what happens, He will always be willing to take care of me and that even if I run away, He will take care of me and make sure I'm alright until I come back to Him. And I will just look at God and say, "You're joking right? No one can do that," and run away. But I know I'm running back to the Lord...and the only reason why I am is because I know everything He says to me is true. And in the end...the ONLY person I can depend on with my entire life with no questions or doubts is the Lord. In the end, I know He's not lying, I know He's not playing with my emotions, I know He's not manipulating my heart to make me love Him. I know I am choosing to love Him...and I am choosing to let Him come into my heart and I will hand God my heart and let Him take my heart because I know He is capable of protecting it from anything and everything.
...I guess writing this all out has calmed me down a bit. I feel so much more at ease within.
I know this post sounds selfish and self-centered, and forgive me for that. But I know not many people read xanga, so this is my safe haven to some extent... to know I can write out whatever I feel and know that I won't be judge because there is no one to judge me. But if you're reading this, forgive me for being selfish and reading my rant.
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| I can't believe how fast this summer ended. I feel like I didn't spend as much time with my family as I would've liked. On Friday, when my family dropped me off at my new off-campus place, I realized my laptop's wallpaper was exactly one year old. I had taken all those silly pictures with my siblings and made it into a wallpaper EXACTLY one year ago. ...kind of nostalgic. But maybe I'm not as sad as last year because I know I'm going to see them again next weekend. ^^" hehe. But after that...I don't know when the next time I'll be home before winter break. =\
I don't really know how to feel for this year. I'm looking up what I need for my classes and I'm once again reminded of the expensive reality of textbooks and supplies. -.-" Luckily (and hopefully =X), I'll be able to get my books and things from friends who would be willing to give them to be at no or little cost. XD haha...
Summer was awesome...it really was. I absolutely loved my job. My supervisor was chill as heck and my coworkers were freakin' awesome. =) Besides my job? I hung out with my college friends and my best friends from HS. Man...yea...awesome freakin' nights. XD
But...I'm here again, sitting in my chair, writing about how classes are about to start on Tuesday (along with my first day of work =X).
...but I don't know if I'm "here I come!" for year 2. I think I'm just going to take it as it comes. =)
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| Mandy Moore - Saturate Me
The desert I wander lacks its mirage
There's no mistaking a barrage
Of sand and wind that tears my skin
Leaving what's without exposing what's within
Forsaken, left here
In my barren desolate...
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Rain down on me with life
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Storm around me, bring the tide
My days stretch long into the heat
As the sun brightens my defeat
My lips are chapped, they're parched and dry
My thirst it builds, with every day gone by....
Forsaken, left here
In my barren desolate...
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Rain down on me with life
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Storm around me, bring the tide
The dunes that shift, drift and lift in the wind
Cover up my Hope, as I start to give in
To the cracks and creases and the dips in my will
As I am pushed toward the brink, I drink down and swill
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Rain down on me with life
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Storm around me, bring the tide
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Yea, it's a pretty old song, but I love it. =)
Just felt like putting up lyrics to a song that I was listening to today. XD I'll write eventually...
I feel the less I write, the more of me I lose or forget...strange, isn't it?
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| did you ever want to say something, but can't?
did you ever think something and want to tell another person, but couldn't?
did you ever long for something, didn't chase after it?
did you ever try to do something about it, but didn't?
ever feel like you're just another person that no one looks at?
ever feel like even though you're with someone, as amazing as the person is, you still feel lonely?
ever feel like you're worthless and unimportant and not know why?
ever feel like you have everything you could ever ask for and still have nothing at all?
do you ever think about the past?
do you ever think about the present?
do you ever think about the future?
do you ever think about the 'what if's?
ever think you want something and not want it at the same time?
ever feel like you don't know where you're going, even though you have a whole trip planned out?
ever think you know exactly where you are yet know you're lost at the same time?
ever feel like you're just invisible and not special and not someone at all?
and in the end, you say, "screw it, take one day at a time. whatever to this, because they're just random thoughts and feelings I get. just smile and be happy, damnit."
and on the other end, you say, "you're an idiot."
and on the only end, you realize...there's someone out there looking after you, and even though you don't understand half the shit that goes on, somehow a couple days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries later...it will all make sense. you realize there's someone out there that is loving you and saying, "I love you and I'm always here for you when you need me. you can neglect me, forget me, curse me, talk badly about me, not care about me, but I still love you and always will still love you because you are everything to me. I can never let you go because you are my everything and only thing. without you, I'd die."
you realize...all these shitty things you were thinking and feeling, they just evaporate and disappear and you don't understand why. but you just feel at peace and calm, the freezing ice growing inside just became warm and soothing.
and because you're an idiot, you still think those random stupid shitty things....
....and you wish for something that was always there and always will be there.
but for some reason, you feel like there's something else that is more perfect,
only to not see, the most perfect, amazing, lovely, unconditional gift you desired is always in front of you.
but you're an idiot, and you still reach for something else.
it's called being human
and it's called, "I don't care if you don't believe there's a God out there, because to me...there will always be that perfect, amazing, lovely, unconditional God for me"
and it's called, even though I long for things, I know someone out there is taking care of me and everything that is meant to happen, will eventually happen, whether to be tomorrow or the minute before I breathe my last breath.
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